The Squire of Gothos
by thedecimator1337
Summary: For anyone who wanted a happy ending for Trelane and a bittersweet ending for Kirk.


This, for anyone who wanted a happy ending for Trelane and a bittersweet ending for Kirk, including myself.

Just another day on the bridge of the Enterprise. Yeoman Teresa Ross momentarily put down her tray, reassessing the situation. Yes, just as she thought. Not enough coffees for the entire bridge crew. As she gave the Captain his coffee, she couldn't help but overhear conversation.

Lieutenant DeSalle said: "All clear ahead, Captain. The sensors indicate zero register."

Captain Kirk momentarily stretched and breathed in deeply. Receiving his coffee from Yeoman Ross, he said nonchalantly: "Forward readings, Mister Spock."

Spock took a moment to answer, having rejected coffee under the pretext that he did not find it necessary on the spur of the moment and had to concentrate on his work. Yeoman Ross quietly insisted, but Mr. Spock waved it off and said: "Gravimetric readings, no significant change, zero space density."

Doctor "Bones" McCoy entered the bridge at that moment and briefly surveyed the crew.

Kirk nodded absent-mindedly, since this was a routine. "Ahead warp factor three, Mister Sulu. Colony Beta Six wants their supplies. Let's get across this void in a hurry."

Dr. McCoy spoke, startling Kirk, who was the only one who had not noticed him yet. "Void, star desert. The word conjures up pictures of dunes, oases, mirages. "

Kirk nodded slowly as his eyes moved along the ship roof. "Sunlight, palm trees. We're nine hundred light years from that kind of desert, Bones."

Mr. Spock looked up from his computer and displayed his typical unimpressed, deadpan expression. "The precise meaning of the word desert is a waterless, barren wasteland. I fail to understand your romantic nostalgia for such a place."

Dr. McCoy barely resisted a condescending chuckle. "That doesn't surprise me, Mister Spock. I can't imagine a mirage ever disturbing those mathematically perfect brain waves of yours."

Mr. Spock either ignored or missed the Good Doctor's sarcasm, which prompted him to shake his head as Spock said: "Thank you, Doctor McCoy. Moving on schedule into quadrant 904. Beta Six is eight days distant."

There was a short silence, broken only by the sound of the doors as Yeoman Ross left the bridge to fetch more coffee. Kirk could almost hear Spock breathing, so he said: "Something, Mister Spock?"

"Unusual, Captain. I'm now getting a sizable space-displacement reading."

"Can you verify that, Navigator?"

Lieutenant DeSalle quickly snuffed a yawn and snapped back into attention. "No, sir. Forward sweeps are negative. Wait. Verified, sir. We must be in some sort of light warp or we'd have picked it up earlier."

Captain Kirk nodded, having no better physical gesture to work in there. "Put it on visual."

A mysterious planet showed up on the viewscreen. A strange tint of green and brown plagued the planet, clearly indicating that it had a toxic atmosphere. Kirk was just itching to note that it wasn't on any of the star-charts, but before he could speak Lieutenant DeSalle did.

"Iron-silica body, planet sized, magnitude one E. We'll be passing close."

Kirk was just about to make his statement when Spock made it.

"Inconceivable this body has gone unnoticed on all our records."

Kirk laughed a compliant chuckle. "And yet, here it is," he said, straightening up in his chair as if about to stand up. "No time to investigate. Science stations, gather data for computer banks. Uhura, notify the discovery on subspace radio."

Uhura tapped a few buttons for a while, but soon grew frustrated with the results. "Strong interference on subspace, Captain," she said, turning back to the Captain. "The planet must be a natural radio source."

Captain Kirk was still unconcerned. "Let's get out of its range. Veer forty degrees to starboard, Mr. Sulu."

Sulu nodded in the same unconcerned manner. "Forty degrees," he said.

There was no warning. Mr. Sulu's arm stretched to touch the controls and froze in midair. Mr. Sulu's eyes opened in surprise, but before he could speak he started to sway like a drunkard. So much that he looked as if about to fall. Before he did, though, he instantly disappeared with a strange noise that sounded like a discharge of arcane energy.

Captain Kirk instantly snapped alert and shouted: "Sulu!"

He ran to the controls as if about to enact his order himself and then search for Sulu, but before he could touch them he disappeared in an identical manner, even without swaying first.

Lieutenant DeSalle instantly bordered on panic and said: "Mister Spock, they're gone!" Having been familiar with this sort of thing already, he instinctively reached for his belt to grab his phaser, and then realised that he had none.

Mr. Spock, however, did not lose his head. "Emergency! Full reverse power!" he exclaimed. Lieutenant DeSalle quickly jumped into Sulu's chair and completed the order.

Ship's log Stardate 2124.5. First Officer Spock reporting for Captain James Kirk. We are orbiting the lone unrecorded planet in the star desert. For four hours, we have made every possible instrument sweep, but Captain Kirk and Helmsman Sulu remain unaccounted for. I have placed the ship on red alert.

On closer observation of the planet, they saw that noxious gas-storms comparable to those on Jupiter were thriving all over the surface. There were also violent thunderstorms unlike any on Earth. No one could see it, but no one could deny it: Spock was worried. His logic told him that since they were in deep space, the two officers could not have disappeared anywhere other than the planet, and seeing how inhospitable the planet was, Mr. Spock figured that either they were already dead or strange things were happening. Of course, he could smell a powerful alien involved already. Either way, dirty work was afoot.

Mr. Spock's train of thought was interrupted by Scotty. "We've searched again from stem to stern. If they're not down on that planet, they're nowhere."

"Mm-hmm," muttered Mr. Spock, having arrived at that conclusion already.

"No sign of human life on the surface, sir," said Lieutenant DeSalle, wiping the sweat from his brow and standing up. "That is, unless the instruments aren't functioning."

Mr. Spock scowled and instantly dismissed it, although he refrained from waving his hand. "Function is normal," he said, flatly. "Continue sensor sweeps. Lieutenant Uhura, have you checked all wave bands?"

"All of them, Mister Spock. No response."

"With due respect, sir. Request permission to transport to the surface immediately and carry out a search," said Lieutenant DeSalle.

"I second DeSalle's request. What are we waiting for?" said Dr. McCoy, tapping his foot.

"Wait," said Mr. Spock, ten thoughts or so flooding him at once. After pondering on the planet for a short while, he said: "Doctor, I have the responsibility for your safety." He turned to see Mr. Karl Jaeger, the replacement for Mr. Sulu. "Mr. Jaeger, describe your geophysical findings for the surface below. If there are any geographical findings, describe them."

Mr. Jaeger smiled as he proudly held up a datapad. He managed to collect at least this much data without sensors. "No detectable soil or vegetation. Extremely hot, toxic atmosphere swept by tornadic storm. Continuous volcanic eruptions. Deadly to any lifeforms such as we know it without oxygen and life-support systems. As for the geographical, most of it consists of rocky plains of sand. There are mountains, but not much else."

"Estimate survival time of two unprotected individuals down there," said Mr. Spock, formulating a plan.

"Not very long. If they are forced to breathe the atmosphere, probably four minutes at most. Mr. Spock, you don't think that—?"

Lieutenant Uhura almost jumped in surprise when an uncalled-for communication breached the systems and forced its way onto the viewscreen. She tried to determine its source, but couldn't so she settled for turning round and notifying Mr. Spock.

Mr. Spock's eyebrows raised ever so slightly, his equivalent of a smile. This must have been what he was waiting for. He looked up at the monitor and read the words aloud.

"Greetings and felicitations. Hmm." For the first time, Spock questioned the fact that most of these strange forces at work in the galaxy already knew the English language. "Send this, Lieutenant. USS Enterprise to signaler on planet surface. Identify self."

To their surprise, the response was instant.

"Hip hip hoorah? And I believe it's pronounced tally ho. "

Yeoman Ross finally returned with the tray and was visibly taken aback by the absence of the Captain, the absence of Mr. Sulu, and the state that the bridge was in.

"Some kind of a joke, sir?" said Lieutenant DeSalle.

Clearly no one was laughing.

"I'll entertain any theories, Mister DeSalle. Any at all," said Mr. Spock.

"Maybe it _is_ a joke," said Yeoman Ross. "It's not a _bad_ joke. Maybe we should laugh?"

A lot of sour looks went in her direction. Unfazed by them, she laughed nervously and set the tray down.

"One thing is certain," said Dr. McCoy, completely unimpressed by Yeoman Ross. "Obviously there's life on that planet."

"You're quite correct, Doctor," said Mr. Spock, who had ignored Yeoman Ross completely. "Prepare transporter room."

"Request assignment to the search party, sir." said Scotty, displaying a rather desperate, yet controlled curiosity.

"No, Mister Scott," said Mr. Spock, returning to the captain's chair. "Neither you nor I can be spared here. Mister DeSalle, equip the landing party with full communications, armament, and life-support gear. Mister Jaeger, your geophysical knowledge may be crucial down there. Doctor McCoy will accompany. If those peculiar signals are coming from Captain Kirk or Lieutenant Sulu, their rationality is in question. Dismissed."

A few minutes later, Mr. Scott briskly entered the transporter room ahead of the party. A whistling sound indicated an incoming transmission. Working with the efficiency typical of him, Scotty prepared the machine with his right hand and answered the communication with his left hand. It was Lieutenant Uhura.

"No more messages from below, sir, but I've locked onto their original source."

Then Mr. Spock: "Very good. Transmit coordinates to Mr. Scott. Once on the planet's surface, you'll establish contact with us immediately. Use the laser beacon if necessary. Ready, Scott?"

"Ready, Mister Spock," said Scotty, eagerly. He looked up and saw Lieutenant DeSalle, Mr. Jaeger, and Dr. McCoy readying themselves.

Suddenly, just as Spock spoke the word "Activate," the doors opened and in came someone else. Having already caught on to the routine, Mr. Scott scowled when he saw that it was a rash, flustered redshirt. He was rather tall in build and he had black hair and brown eyes. He seemed to be on a different track entirely than the other three; he had brought an oxygen mask, but he already had it on. In addition, he had a tactical backpack on his back and a phaser in his hand.

"Mr. Fastolf!" said Scotty. "What are you doing here?"

Ensign William Fastolf spoke with a British accent. "I'm tagging along. I recall that the Captain promised me that the next time one of these weird aliens showed up, I would get to see them."

"You'll have to take that up with Mr. Spock," said Scotty. "The Captain's gone."

"What's going on down there?" said Spock.

"I'm going down there, Mr. Spock," said Mr. Fastolf.

"Negative, Mr. Fastolf. I do not think that—"

"Any extra hands will be useful to them," said Mr. Fastolf. "Especially an eloquent soldier."

Mr. Spock nodded. "Yes, there is always the chance of danger. They could use an extra hand."

"Besides, no one's going to miss me, right? We've got a hundred more soldiers on the ship."

"Very well," said Mr. Spock. "You're free to go, Mr. Fastolf. Don't get into mischief."

A disappointed look came over Mr. Fastolf's face, but he shambled over to the transporter pads all the same.

"Energise," said Mr. Spock. "This time, actually do it. We can't afford to waste anymore time."

"Aye," said Scotty, and energised.

The planet surface was different from what they expected. No thunderstorms, no sandstorms, no fumes. Instead, a lush forest full of grass, trees, and minor foliage.

Jaeger scanned everywhere and everything while DeSalle immediately bent down to examine something.

"Where are your storms, Jaeger?"

"Argh!" said Mr. Fastolf, tearing his foot out of a gorse-bush. "I thought you said there _was_ no foliage!"

"That's what we thought," said Lieutenant DeSalle, standing up.

"Huh," said Mr. Jaeger. "Atmosphere exactly the same as ours."

He took off his oxygen mask and sniffed around for a bit. Mr. Fastolf quickly took his off before he even signalled to the others to do the same, seeing that no harm had come to Mr. Jaeger.

The silence was broken by Mr. DeSalle: "DeSalle to Enterprise. DeSalle to Enterprise. It doesn't function. We're cut off."

"Typical," injected Mr. Fastolf.

Dr. McCoy scowled at Mr. Fastolf before looking at his own communicator. "No response. Why do these things always stop working when we beam down?"

"No monster's going to kill me just because I have a red shirt!" said Mr. Fastolf.

"Oh, stop it!" said Dr. McCoy, as DeSalle said to Jaeger: "Keep trying with yours. Something's blocking the beacon. I've got to find open ground." "We haven't even _seen_ a monster," continued Dr. McCoy.  
"That doesn't mean there aren't any," said Mr. Fastolf.

"I hear that, but so far there have been no real signs of hostility. That's a phaser, not a flashlight, put it away!"

"OK, fine, but I'm still keeping my eyes peeled," said Mr. Fastolf.

No one noticed that Mr. DeSalle had vanished.

"Jaeger! McCoy! Fastolf!" he said.

"You're way too jumpy," said Dr. McCoy to Fastolf as the three ran off. "If any..."

Dr. McCoy was discouraged from further talk by the sight they saw. A wondrous castle in gothic style architecture lay before them. It was missing a portcullis, but it had an iron-bound oak door and a gargoyle next to the door. The others approached cautiously, but Mr. Fastolf said: "Ah, just like home!" and walked up to it like if he actually was home.

"Fastolf! Wait!" snapped Dr. McCoy, but Fastolf did no such thing. When he opened the door and nothing jumped out at him, the others grudgingly shrugged and followed. Fastolf walked into a wondrous drawing-room full of amazing things. A bust of Napoleon on a pedestal, a suit of medieval armour, a globe of Earth, European battle standards set up in a neat display against the wall, an open fire, a harpsichord, a large mirror behind it, and two aliens stuffed in niches in the walls.

"In the name of heaven, where are we?" said Dr. McCoy.

"Don't be so paranoid," said Mr. Fastolf. "This place is wonderful, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Fastolf, answering his own question while Jaeger and DeSalle said "No."

"Well, I suppose it has a certain classical charm, but that still doesn't explain the fact that it's here, of all places," said Dr. McCoy.

Mr. Fastolf almost didn't hear, he was so busy entertaining himself with what he saw. After running his hands over the banisters, he turned and pointed at the stuffed salt vampire in the wall in front of them. "Remember this bad boy, Doctor?"

"Don't I!" said Dr. McCoy. "I'd rather not."

"I think he looks better this way," said Mr. Fastolf.

"For once we're in agreement," said Jaeger. "It won't suck your salt out that way."

"Huh?" said DeSalle.  
"I'll tell you sometime," said Jaeger. "It's an interesting story."

DeSalle's attention quickly faded as he said: "Look!" and pointed at Sulu and Kirk in their frozen state.

Dr, McCoy went up and scanned them. "There's no reading. They're like waxworks figures."

"Let's try the other tricorder," said Mr. Fastolf.

Before they could, though, the door slammed shut. McCoy, DeSalle, and Jaeger expressed alarm at this, but Fastolf seemed quite at home. Suddenly, the melodious sound of the harpsichord was heard playing Domenico Scarlatti's Sonata in C major. A rather stylish man in an embroidered blue coat, a yellow waistcoat, a white frilled shirt and stock tie, green trousers, and black boots was sitting there, playing the harpsichord with unparalleled skill and finesse.

"I must say, they make a perfectly exquisite display pair, but I suppose you want them back now," said the man.

He waved his hand and the two officers were unfrozen.

"Where are we?" said Mr. Sulu, seemingly completely unimpressed by the classical feel of the room.

"Welcome to an island of peace on my stormy little planet of Gothos!" said the mysterious, stylish man in his cheerful manner.

Kirk was a little more cautious. He jumped out of the gallery and whispered: "What happened? Fill me in."

Dr. McCoy's eyes were frozen on the mysterious man. Jaeger was looking about nervously. DeSalle was mostly focused on the man, but a few other articles caught his attention. Fastolf's eyes were exclusively on the man, but unlike McCoy, he was not frozen. With one hand on his elbow and one hand on his chin, he was smiling broadly at the sight.

"You disappeared from the bridge after Sulu. We've been looking for you for four hours," said Dr. McCoy.

"It sure didn't feel like four hours," said Fastolf, smugly.

"You must excuse my whimsical way of fetching you here, but when I saw you passing by I simply could not resist," said the man, quickly composing a previously non-existent ending to the sonata and standing up to greet Kirk.

Captain Kirk walked over and said: "I'm Captain James Kirk of the United Starship Enterprise."

Mr. Fastolf quickly rushed up to Kirk from behind, as if eager to steal the spotlight.

"Ah, so you're the Captain of these brave lads," said the man, smiling. "My greetings and felicitations, Captain. So good of you and your officers to drop in. Absolutely smashing."

"I must have missed the smash," said Mr. Fastolf.

The man waved his hand and a crash was heard outside.

"All right, never mind," said Mr. Fastolf, smiling broadly.

Kirk looked over at Fastolf, as if puzzled by his seemingly unfathomable source of amusement. Kirk waved a hand at him, silently gesturing at him to shut up.

"Who are you? Where do you come from?" continued Kirk.

Mr. Fastolf almost jumped and yelled: "Yes, who are you?!" but he refrained from doing so.

"General Trelane, retired. At your service, sirs. My home is your home," said Trelane, going back to his harpsichord.

"We've lost contact with the ship, Captain. We're trapped here," said DeSalle.

"Trapped!" repeated Mr. Fastolf, condescendingly. He walked over to the harpsichord and muttered: "Uh..."

"Yes?" said Trelane, eagerly.

"Erm, you first," said Mr. Fastolf, smiling.

Trelane smiled in return and said: "I can't tell you how delighted I am to have visitors from the very planet that I've made my hobby..." a short silence. "...yes, but according to my observations, I didn't think you capable of such voyages."

"Oh, we're _capable_," said Mr. Fastolf. "How did you acquire such a stylish taste, General?"

Jaeger ignored this strange conversation and said: "Notice the period, Captain. Nine hundred light years from Earth. It's what might be seen through a viewing scope if it were powerful enough—"

"Retired, sir. I acquired it from you, of course," said Trelane. Turning to Jaeger, he said: "Yes! I've been looking in on the doings on your lively little Earth!"

"All right, but I insist on calling you General, Trelane," said Mr. Fastolf, "because I like you and I want to refer to you with an honorary title."

"Thank you," said Trelane, smiling delightfully.

Kirk was unimpressed and felt like punching Fastolf out of the way as he slowly walked up to the harpsichord.

"But Trelane, people on Earth haven't had such wonderful taste for two hundred years at least," said Fastolf.

Trelane looked up in a puzzled manner, but he didn't stop playing.

"Trelane, you've been looking in on the doings nine hundred years past," said Kirk.

Trelane's playing stopped cold. "...oh, really?" he said, surprised. "Have I made an error in time? How fallible of me. Oh, I did so want to make you feel at home. I'm quite proud of the detail."

"You've succeeded with me," said Fastolf. "I love this place. I don't know about the _others_, though," he said, throwing a condescending glance at Kirk when he said "others".

Kirk felt like bombarding Fastolf for insubordination, but he figured that if he went on like this, he could do so without controversy. "General Trelane," said Kirk.

"Retired, sir. Just Squire Trelane now. And you may call me Squire. Yes, I rather fancy that."

"Squire Trelane," said Fastolf, smiling. "Where is your army?"  
"I just said I'm retired," said Trelane, continuing his playing.

"So they're disbanded? Are there other generals? Can I be a captain?" said Fastolf.

"Stop it, that's childish," said Kirk.

"Stop!" retorted Fastolf. "What do you mean, 'stop'?"

"Trelane," said Kirk, waving Fastolf off as an obstacle. "For what purpose have you imprisoned us here?"

"Isn't it clear—?" began Fastolf, but was interrupted by Trelane.

"Imprisoned? Nonsense! You're my guests! You see, I just finished my studies of your curious and fascinating society!"

"You mean how it should be," said Fastolf.

"You came by at the most propitious moment," said Trelane, ignoring him, although he did stop playing and stood up. "I want to know all about your campaigns, your battles, your missions of conquest."

Kirk was not amused. "Our missions are peaceful, not for conquest. When we do battle, it is only because we have no choice."

"Ah, but that's the official story, eh?" said Trelane.

"The official story is nonsense, as you can tell," said Fastolf, smugly. "If you like, Squire Trelane, I can tell you the unofficial story."

"Ah, excellent!" said Trelane.

"Stop this nonsense, Mr. Fastolf!" said Kirk. "It's childish and idiotic! We've got a job to do—"

"Fastolf?!" said Trelane excitedly. "As in Sir John Fastolf? Son of a Norfolk gentleman? The greatest of the English knights during the Hundred Years War? That Fastolf?"

"Quite," said Fastolf, proudly, "but not quite. I don't know if I'm related, but I am English, yes. I am William Fastolf, Squire Trelane. I don't have an honorary title to my name yet, but I expect to soon."

"Ah, but we shall remedy that!" said Trelane, clapping his hands together. "All it takes is a little distinguished conduct in battle, and KABOOM! You are Sir Fastolf II!"

"That sounds grand!" said Fastolf.

"No, it doesn't!" said Kirk, pushing Fastolf out of the way. "Trelane, I must ask you to let us go back to our ship."

"I wouldn't hear of it. You shall join me in a repast. I want to learn all about your feelings on war and killing and all that sort of thing, you know. Do you know that you're one of the few predator species that preys even on itself?"

Kirk disappointedly walked back to the main group while Fastolf said to Trelane: "I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment, Squire Trelane."

"Oh, really? Why?" said Trelane.

"Because this killjoy of a Captain I have does not condone war and killing, nor does he condone conquest, even in a good cause."

"Oh, how absurd!" said Trelane. "Do you mean to say that he's pacifist?"

"Not necessarily, or I would have no respect for him at all," said Fastolf. "Let's just say that it would take a lot of goading to get him to help you in a fight, even a good one."

Kirk whispered to DeSalle: "Not yet. Put it on stun, not to kill, DeSalle." Kirk was getting very annoyed, and was tempted to order DeSalle to shoot Fastolf as well.

"DeSalle, did you say?" said Trelane, excitedly. "Hang on, good Sir Fastolf. "Un vrai Francais?"

"My ancestry is French, yes," said DeSalle, visibly unimpressed.

"Ah, monsieur! Vive la gloire! Vive Napoleon! You know, I admire your Napoleon very much."

"This is Mr. DeSalle, our navigator," said Kirk. "Doctor McCoy, our medical officer. Mister Sulu, our helmsman, and Karl Jaeger, meteorologist. You have, of course, already met our bravest soldier, William Fastolf."

"Welcome, good physician and honourable sir," said Trelane, bowing low.

"Is he kidding?" whispered Sulu.  
"No, he's not kidding!" retorted Fastolf, having overheard that.

"Und Offizier Jaeger, und der deutsche Soldat, nein?" said Trelane, giving Jaeger a Prussian salute before proudly marching about. "Eins, zwei, drei, vier! Gehen vir mit dem Schiessgewehr!"

"I'm a scientist, not a military man," said Jaeger, almost as unimpressed as DeSalle.

"Oh come now. We're all military men under the skin," said Trelane, turning to see the mirror. "And how we do love our uniforms..."

"I don't," said Fastolf. "My uniform is bland, and this red shirt is like a big sign that says 'SHOOT ME!'"

"Oh, nonsense," said Trelane. "Red shirts are fine!" Trelane waved his hand and Fastolf was in a Royal British redcoat uniform.

"I stand corrected," said Fastolf, proudly adjusting his hat.

DeSalle was just about to fire when Trelane waved his hand again.

"What an interesting weapon you've got there! Do let me see it," he said. He took the phaser from DeSalle.

"Ooh, the humiliation," said Fastolf, in mock amazement.

"You've taken his part all along!" said DeSalle, angrily.

"Only now you realised it?" said Fastolf.

"...yes. Now let me see. How does this work? Ah, yes. This _won't_ kill, and this _will_," said Trelane, examining the phaser with the utmost delight. He played with the switch for a bit while muttering: "Now it won't... now it will..." He then aimed and fired it at the salt vampire, who was instantly vaporised. "Oh, how _marvellous_!" said Trelane. He fired and vaporised the other alien trophy, saying: "Devastating! Why, this could kill _millions_!"

Kirk nervously took the phaser. "Who will you start with, my crew? Are we your next targets?"

"Oh, how absolutely typical of your species," said Trelane. "You don't understand something, so you become fearful."

"You're mistaken," said Fastolf. "He's the one who's paranoid, Squire Trelane. I wasn't."

"Good!" said Trelane, delighted. "Maybe your race isn't so simple after all!"

"Of course not," said Fastolf.

"Wonderful! All the better for the study and merriment! Ahem, now, do let me anticipate your next question, Captain. You want to know how I've managed all of this."

"That's correct."

"We, meaning I and others, have, to state the matter briefly, perfected a system by which matter can be transferred to energy and back to matter again."

"Like the transporter system aboard the Enterprise."

"Oh, a crude example of an infinitely more sophisticated process. You see, we not only transport matter from place to place, but we can alter its shape at will."

"This drawing room, did you create it by rearranging matter on this planet?"

"Quite."

"I see. How did you manage—?"

"Dear Captain, your inquiries are becoming tiresome. I want you to be happy. Free yourself of care. Let's enjoy ourselves in the spirit of martial good fellowship."

"They won't," said Fastolf. "But of course! Shall we have tea, General?"

"Why not?" said Trelane, starting to walk towards the table.

"Come on, let's go," said Kirk. "We're getting out of here."

"_You're_ getting out of here, Mr. Kirk!" said Fastolf. Trelane turned to them in surprise as Fastolf continued: "Forget this 'Captain' business."

"Are you going renegade, Fastolf?"

"Quite, _Mister_ Kirk!" said Fastolf, with his most condescending tone. "_I'm_ not going anywhere! I like it here!"

"No," said Kirk. "There is no nation that won't lose its followers without a fight, Fastolf, and the Federation is no exception!"

"Tut, tut, tut!" said Trelane. "You're being quite rude, Captain. Mr. Fastolf is quite right. You _can't_ go. You _won't_ go. Neither will _he_. Apparently, you need another demonstration of my authority. Yes, quite."

Kirk then vanished from the room and appeared in the natural atmosphere of the planet, choking on the fumes. Everyone in the room heard him and displayed expressions of alarm. Their expressions turned to shock when Fastolf leaned in and whispered to Trelane: "Nice one," without covering his lips. Trelane smiled and waved his hand, bringing Kirk back.

"What'd he say?" whispered DeSalle.

"He said, 'nice one'," said McCoy, scowling.

"What!" said Jaeger, seeing Kirk coughing.

"Now, that's a sample of the atmosphere of this planet outside my kindly influence," said Trelane. "Now, you will behave yourself hereafter, won't you? Or I shall be very, very angry."

Meanwhile, up above...

Captain's Log Stardate 2125.7. Science Officer Spock reporting for Captain Kirk. We have completed fourteenth orbit of this planet without establishing contact with our missing officers or the parties sent to find them. Subspace communications remain blocked. However, by diverting impulse power to our sensors, we have made them operable, and we have detected one small area on the surface which seems relatively stable.

"Aye, it's there, Mister Spock. Peaceful as Earth, but how do you explain it?" said Scotty.

"I don't, Mister Scott. It simply exists. Artificial perhaps, or a freak of nature. The fact remains that life can exist in that area."

"Aye, it could, but it couldn't move around much."

"Apply a fine tuning on our sensors. Locate any life forms in that stable area."

"If we find any, it doesn't follow that it would be our people."

"Affirmative. But if the Captain is down there and alive, that's where he'll have to be. We'll attempt to transport up any living beings our sensors detect."

"Shooting in the dark, Mister Spock?"

"Or stand by and do nothing, Mister Scott."

Meanwhile, Trelane was proudly showing off his battle standard display.

"And this, of course, is an array of your battle flags and pennants dating back to the Crusades, to Hannibal's invaders, the Grecian war galleys, and the hordes of Persia. Can't you imagine it, Captain? The thousands of men marching off to their deaths, singing beneath these banners. Doesn't it make your blood run swiftly?"

The Federation crew displayed expressions of contempt and nausea, all except for Fastolf, who said: "Yes, of course. Does it not amaze you, Trelane, that these men in the Crusades, who fought for a righteous cause, thought nothing of marching to their deaths? They knew what awaited them after death, so they marched on with the fullest confidence."

"Ah, yes, truly amazing," said Trelane.

"You should study the Crusaders in particular some more," said Fastolf.

While Trelane and Fastolf happily spoke about that, Sulu said: "Captain, where could he possibly come from? Who is this maniac?"

"Better say, _what_ is he?" said McCoy. "I monitored him, and what I found was unbelievable."

"Not alive?" said Kirk, familiar with this already.

"Not in the way we define life. No trace. Zero."

"You mean it shows he's dead?" said Mr. Sulu.

"It doesn't even show that he exists at all, alive or dead."

"Notice the wood fire, Captain?" said Jaeger. "Burning steadily, ember bed glowing, and it doesn't give off any heat at all."

"I noticed that too," said Fastolf. "Listen, Trelane, I have some things to tell you about your creations..."

"Fire without heat, mistaking all this for present day Earth without taking into account the time differential. Whatever we're dealing with, he certainly isn't all knowledgeable. He makes mistakes," said Kirk.

"Oh, really?" said Trelane. "Well, that's easy to remedy." Trelane waved his hand. Kirk and his men almost jumped in surprise as the fire suddenly became hot.

"No, not _that_ hot!" said Fastolf.

"I know," laughed Trelane. "Here. How's that?"

"Better," said Jaeger, reluctantly.

Trelane turned to see Kirk whispering. "Discussing deep laid plans, I'll wager. I cannot _wait_ to see them evolve."

"Trelane, we haven't planned—"

"Tut tut. Do not think that I deplore your martial virtue of deception and stratagem. Quite the contrary. I have nothing but admiration for your whole species."

"If your admiration is genuine, you must have respect for our sense of duty too. Our ship has need of us. We have tasks to perform."

"Oh, I can't let you go now. I was getting a bit bored until you came. You must stay. I insist."

"For how long?"

"Until this is over, of course."

"Until what is over?"

"Our party, of course," said Fastolf, "and we are just getting started, aren't we, General?"  
"Quite, Sir Fastolf!"

"Trelane, even if we—" began Kirk, but upon seeing Fastolf scowl, he said: "if _I_ wanted to stay, our companions are missing us."

"Yes, I must experience your sense of concern, your grief at the separation..."

"Trelane, are not two people enough for a party? Why don't you just get rid of these killjoys so we can enjoy ourselves?"

"Oh, but that wouldn't be nearly as fun. Lots of people means lots of fun!"

"Our companions are still missing us!" insisted Kirk. "There are four hundred men and women aboard that ship—"

"_Women_?" said Trelane, suddenly a lot less disinterested. "Do you mean that you actually have members of the fairer sex among your crew? Oh, how charming. And they must be all very beautiful. And I shall be so very gallant to them. Here, let me fetch them down at once."

"No!"

"No?"

"This game has gone on long enough. Those are crucial operating personnel. You can't—"

"I can do anything I want. I should think you would have realised that by now."

McCoy smiled. "Captain, receiving a transporter signal."

"Transporter signal? What does he mean? You must tell me!"

"It means, Trelane, the party's over, thanks to Mister Spock."

Fastolf tried to run, but he was beamed up with the rest of them. He just managed to say to Trelane: "Help!" as he disappeared.

"Wait! I won't have this! I haven't dismissed you yet. Stop! I won't have this! Sir Fastolf! Oh, they took you too? Well! We shall just have to see about this, won't we?"

At the bridge...

"Everyone to stations!" said Kirk. "Report, Mister Spock. How were our scanners able to penetrate that radiation field?"

"They didn't, Captain. Not clearly. We merely beamed up all life forms in a given area."

"Which means Trelane is not a life form as we know it, or he'd be beaming through now," said McCoy.

"Prepare to warp out of here at once. Maximum speed!" said Kirk.

Yeoman Ross sighed, realising that the coffee was long stale now. "Oh, Captain, what happened?" she said.  
"Scotty, we're going to need every ounce of your engines. We're going to put a hundred million miles between us and that madman," said Kirk.

"Aye aye, sir."

"I'm quaking, but I don't know if it's from laughter or terror," said McCoy.

"Doctor, what was it? What was down there?" said Uhura.

"Well, it was a... Oh, forget it."

"You are NOT getting out of here!" said Fastolf, jumping clean over the captain's chair and pointing a phaser at everyone. "If you are, you leave me behind! Otherwise, your party's crashed!"

Yeoman Ross's shock at this was dispelled by... Trelane, with a cape and foil.

"Look!" she said.  
"Ah, General, I'm glad you're back," said Fastolf.

"Where are all your weapons, Captain?" said Trelane. "Don't you display your weapons?"

"Of course not, I told you why," said Fastolf.

"Ah."

"Trelane..." began Kirk. "Fastolf... if you stop this now, we won't penalise you."

"Too late, _Mister_ Kirk," said Fastolf, throwing his badge off. "I think I've crossed the point of no return."

Kirk did not have time to feel his rage at this, because Trelane said: "Don't fret, Captain. I'm only a bit upset with you, but this Mister Spock you mentioned, the one responsible for that unseemly, impudent act of taking you from me, which is he?"

Spock scowled with uncertainty, but he managed: "I am Spock."

"Surely not an officer. He isn't quite human, is he?"

"My father is from the planet Vulcan."

"And are its natives predatory?"

"Not generally. But there have been exceptions."

"Really? You will see to his punishment?"

"On the contrary. I commend his action."

"I don't! Shall I, Trelane?" said Fastolf.

"I don't like him," said Trelane. "Hold off, good Sir Fastolf. I have a better idea."

"Get off my ship!" shouted Kirk, finally losing his composure at seeing Fastolf's conduct.

"You're all going back with me," said Trelane. "Naturally, you too, good Sir Fastolf."

"We're not going anywhere!" shouted Kirk.

"Nonsense. I have an absolutely enchanting sojourn on Gothos planned for all of you, and you shan't spoil it for me. Anyway, the decor of my drawing room is much more appropriate and tasteful. Don't you agree?"

When they looked, they were in the drawing-room before a table with magnificent food.

"No," said Sulu.

"It doesn't matter," said Fastolf. "It's more tasteful, period."

DeSalle lost it then. He jumped from his chair and shouted: "You traitor, Fastolf! Why, I'll—!"

"DeSalle!" shouted Kirk, but it was too late.

Before Trelane could stop him, Fastolf fired his phaser and stunned DeSalle.

"We haven't even got our phasers," muttered Sulu. "How come he does?"

"Because Trelane is my friend," said Fastolf. "All we want to do is have a little fun and enjoy ourselves over a delightful meal while we discuss our military glory. Is that too much to ask?"

"Is it?" said Trelane, smiling broadly. Trelane waved his hand and DeSalle regained consciousness. "Yes, of course. I forget that I shouldn't frighten you too much. But I warn you, you can't provoke me again, or I will let good Sir Fastolf do whatever he pleases with you. Come, everyone. Let's forget your bad manners. Let's be full of merry talk and sallies of wit. We have victuals to delight the palate and brave company to delight the mind. Come, Doctor, do partake. Ah, you've been quite derelict in your social duties, Captain. You haven't introduced me to the charming contingent of your crew."

"You! Why did you do it?" said DeSalle, to Fastolf.

"Keep your distance, DeSalle!" said Fastolf. "I just told you why. If you'd cooperate, we'd have a great old time. Now, can't you just get it through your head that I'm not going back?"

Meanwhile: "Ah a Nubian prize," said Trelane, kissing Uhura's hand. "Taken on one of your raids of conquest, no doubt, Captain."

"No doubt."

"She has the melting eyes of the queen of Sheba. The same lovely colouring."

"Sorry to rain on your parade, General," said Fastolf, "but I told you that this Captain does not condone conquest. She just signed on."

"Ah, how disappointing." Trelane turned to Yeoman Ross. "But this! Is this the face that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers of Ilium? Fair Helen, make me immortal with a kiss."

Fastolf made a small cough, perhaps a jealous one, but fortunately Kirk held Trelane back. "Yeoman Teresa Ross. I believe you have met our science officer Mister Spock."

"You do realise, don't you, that it's in deference to the Captain that I brought you here?" said Trelane, to Spock.

"Affirmative."

"I don't know if I like your tone. It's most challenging. That's what you're doing, challenging me?"

"I object to you. I object to intellect without discipline. I object to power without constructive purpose."

"Oh, Mister Spock, you do have one saving grace after all. You're ill-mannered. The human half of you, no doubt."

"Spock, you really don't care for simple amusement, do you?" said Fastolf.

"Ah, come, my little wood nymph! Won't you dance with your swain?" said Trelane, taking Yeoman Ross. He turned to Uhura. "Give us some sprightly music, my dear girl."

"I don't know how to play this," said Uhura, nervously.

"Of course you do!"

She started playing as Trelane and Ross danced gracefully.

"Bravo, general!" said Fastolf.

"Captain, how far do we go along with this charade?" said Mr. Sulu.

"Until we can think our way out," said Kirk. "Meanwhile, we accept his hospitality."

"You really should thank me that the food has any flavour at all," said Fastolf. "I let the good General know of his error, and that's why you're all enjoying such a feast. Don't be a bunch of ingrates!"

"Ah, my dear, don't we make a graceful pair? Except for one small detail. That dress hardly matches this charming scene," said Trelane, waving the hand. Suddenly Yeoman Ross was wearing an empire line dress with feathers in her hair. "Ah, yes, that's more what we want. The dashing warrior and his elegant lady."

"Bravo!" said Fastolf. "Can we have some chivalrous knights in here, Trelane? I rather fancy a joust with _Mister_ Kirk."

"That mirror. It's part of his audience, his ego. He never wanders from it," said Kirk.

"Is it ego, or something else?" said Spock.

Kirk was intrigued by this. "Explain."

"The mirror."

"What about it?"

"You noted yourself he never gets very far from it. I suppose it could be vanity."

"No, no, Mister Spock, that's not the reason. What kind of a machine could do these things?"

"A machine with the ability to turn energy into matter guided by thought waves. It would have a very complex memory bank, and would be extremely sophisticated."

"Like a computer, only much more. Could the machine that maintains the environment in this immediate area be kept in this house?"

"I think not. A device capable of keeping out this planet's natural atmosphere would be immense."

"Good. I agree. That leaves me free..."

"Free, Captain?"

"If I'm not mistaken, Mister Spock, I think I can turn his lights off at the source. Don't be too upset by what you see, gentlemen. After all, his actions are those of an immature, unbalanced mind."

"I overheard that remark, Captain," said Trelane, stopping the dance. "I'm afraid I'll have to dispense with you."

"You only heard part of it. I just started."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I want you to leave my crewmen alone. I want you to leave my crewwomen alone too." He turned to Yeoman Ross: "You're not to dance with him. I don't like it."

"Does it actually make you angry, Captain?" said Trelane, bordering on laughter.

Kirk removed one of her gloves forcefully and said: "I don't want you accepting his gifts, either."

"Captain, please don't do this—" she began.

"Well, I do believe the dear Captain is jealous—" laughed Trelane.  
"I don't care _what_ you believe; just keep your hands off her!"

"Oh, how curiously human. How wonderfully barbaric."

"Tell me about it," said Fastolf, rolling his eyes.

"I've had enough of your insulting attentions to her!" said Kirk. "And you! I've had enough of your treason!"

"Of course you have," said Trelane, smiling. "After all, that's the root of the matter, isn't it? You fight for the attention, the admiration, the possession of women. And on top of that, you are not willing to let your officer go renegade, are you?"

"Of course not! If it's fighting that you want—" but Kirk was interrupted by Fastolf, who pushed Trelane out of the way, gave Trelane his phaser, and got between them.

"Stop this, _Mister_ Kirk!" he said. "You've been a killjoy with an aura of self-righteousness since we set foot here! Now I agree with you, partially! Get out of here! Trelane, these people are no fun at all. I'll stay here with you and we can have some proper fun without them."

"But I want them here!" said Trelane. "I was getting so bored..."

"That's why I'm staying!" said Fastolf. "I'll show you the proper way, Trelane, but if the objective is to have fun, then get rid of them! Do you want party crashers at your party?"

"No," said Trelane, "except when we don't have any other options..."

"You do, me!" said Fastolf.

"Fastolf, I won't have this!" said Kirk.  
"No one's asking you!" said Fastolf. "But if you want to fight about it, we can! Trelane, does that box by any chance contain old-fashioned duelling pistols?"

"Why, yes! You are a clever one, Sir Fastolf!"

Trelane went to fetch the box over the fireplace.

"Fastolf, why are you doing this?" said Kirk.

"Clearly, Mr. Kirk, you have no idea of fun. You can't delay your work for just a few minutes. There are no emergencies now."

"Maybe not, but what about you? You shirk your responsibilities and stab us all in the back in one go!"

"I never really was on your side, so how can I be a traitor? As Mr. DeSalle pointed out, I've taken his part all along."

Trelane set the box down on the harpsichord and opened it.

"So, that's your game, is it?" said Kirk, seizing one of the pistols. "Then I hope you're ready to play out your end of it."

Fastolf grabbed the other pistol. "Kirk, I can't believe that self-righteous hypocrisy. You're the next-best thing to a womanizer—"

Gasps filled the room. Most were shocked, but Trelane was surprised and delighted. Kirk's lip stiffened.

"—so how are you different from Trelane in that respect? Jealous, quite. Even so, we don't have to do this."  
"Yes, we do," said Kirk, cocking his pistol. "You're going back to the Enterprise if I have to injure you and force you to go."

"Of course not. Even if you defeat me, you won't let them take me, will you, Trelane?"

"I certainly will not!" said Trelane. "Ooh, this is so exciting! Go on, do go on!"

"All right, then. As the one challenged, I claim the first shot," said Fastolf.

"We shoot together," said Kirk.

"Fine."

They quickly raised their pistols and both fired. Kirk had forgotten about the mirror, but he only just remembered, so in trying to decide what to shoot, he ended up shooting between them and narrowly avoiding shooting Yeoman Ross. Fastolf, on the other hand, shot with amazing precision and shot the pistol right out of Kirk's hand.

"There!" said Fastolf. "Now that we have had our fun, Trelane, get rid of them. I have an idea."

"That was rather droll, wasn't it?" said Trelane. "Very well, you gathering of killjoys! Begone!"

Trelane and Fastolf were alone.

"Now, your idea had better be good," said Trelane.

"Of course it is," said Fastolf. "I must say, I always dreamed of a great conquest unlike any before."

"Do you mean galactic conquest?"

"Naturally."

"But how? Your people are so primitive."

"Oh, right, that. Trelane, you did indeed make an error in time. Sit down and I'll explain."

Captain's Log, stardate 2126.1, delayed report. For the first time, I've been humiliated by a tactical officer. I'm grateful enough that he got us out of there, but I can't stomach the fact that we left him behind. Well, he wanted it, but I don't know... this might not ring well on my record.

"Captain, why did we leave Mr. Fastolf?" said Yeoman Ross.

"He wanted to stay."

"Well, I don't think we should let him. It's not right to leave him alone with that... Trelane."

A look of dread came on Kirk's face. "What are you playing at?"

"I was enjoying myself, to be honest, and I couldn't stand leaving Fastolf there alone with Trelane. I want to go back."

Suddenly, she disappeared.

"This is disgusting," said DeSalle.

"I agree," said Mr. Sulu.

"Unacceptable, I must say," said Jaeger.

"There's nothing we can do about it, though," said Mr. Spock. "If we turn around, it might encourage Trelane to imprison us again."

"All right," said Kirk, dejectedly. "Let's get out of here before we lose anyone else."

"...and so I had to shoot him," laughed Fastolf, as his hands ran over the harpsichord. The music stopped as did the dance.

"That's quite a story," said Teresa Ross. "I never knew you did that."

"It was quite lacking in the flourish, though," said Trelane. "Not the sort of military campaign I expected.

"That's the Federation for you," said Fastolf, adjusting his bow tie. "Thanks for your gifts, General."

"No, thank you for taking my loneliness into consideration! Now, we _are_ just beginning our fun, aren't we?"


End file.
